Damn case of the Blahs...

The past few weeks have been ones of some rather interesting events. In short, my vacation/insurance conference with my mother turned into an emergency trip to Iowa to visit my best friend, Emma, after her father passed away. In that same trip I discovered that my grandfather has been diagnosed with cancer during my short visit with him, attended the wedding of Emma's sister, Shelby, met a very interesting man on a plane, and almost fell of a bridge...over the Mississippi. Talk about eventful.
Now seeing Emma was fabulous. I truly wish it was under different circumstances but all in all I can't help but find myself to be undoubtedly happy when we're together. Perhaps it's because we've been seeing each other about once every year since 8th grade. Now, here's the place where I would love to go on forever about how much I love Emma and why but I'll spare her as well as whoever's reading this the awkwardness.
Anyways, like most people, I find saying goodbye to be an incredibly difficult thing. Facing the fact that I'm leaving people who actually mean something to me turns me into this sad, energy less, tired, doesn't want to be around anyone, kind of person. So then every other aspect of my life suffers. I don't care to make new friends, I don't talk to people, I feel bad about myself, I sometimes even hate the world...it's a beautiful thing...ok never mind. So, I've been a little down lately. My college orientation was hell and for the first time in oh...9 years, I'm not excited to go. Of course though I will and hopefully by then I'll be out of this funk. Usually when I'm feeling like this I can just tell myself to get out of it, do something exciting, or force myself to be around people whose company I usually enjoy, but right now, it's a state that can't be altered I guess. I'm assuming it's a mixture of stress and fear...wouldn't be the first time. I'm still hoping that I'll meet people who don't quite drive me insane when I actually move up to school. I'm excited for my classes and there were a few people who I enjoyed meeting and getting to know a bit, but other than that...there's not a whole lot I'm looking forward too. I'm ready to wake up tomorrow and be out of this funk. Please, go away. You're not welcome right now, I don't have time for this. We can wallow some other time...please.

Clean room.

Alas...three days later, my room is clean. Well, the closet I've yet to actually get to but that won't take long. The actual room, all my drawers, under the bed, my desk, and bookshelves, they're all clean. I don't think I've ever come across so much dust in my life...it was insane. I truly think that I was on the edge of becoming a hoarder. So. Much. Crap. Stuff that should have been thrown away before even being brought into my room. Subject filled binders from every year of high school, cards, notes, letter, post-its. It's like I was trying to preserve every moment from the past few years and in some cases, even beyond that. I don't know why we try and save everything. Yes, it is sometimes helpful, finding things from our past as they can give us a reason for why we do things a certain way now and simply explain a lot. I could make a book of letters and notes and yes, even post-its that someone could read and just from that probably understand, to an extent, why I am the way I am. Funny isn't it. Well, I hate to break the hearts of all who are thinking that I threw everything away but I did manage to condense it all to two boxes and safely store them in places that I can't easily access. Reading though stuff like that, while important, is not a healthy regular activity. I've learned a lot about myself that past few days. Cleaning out the 11x11 cube that housed me though the toughest years of my life so far. The years that saw me through hell and back. The years that made me realize what is important in life and taught me to see the beauty in simple things. Yes, I had my moments where my findings reminded me of the person I used to be, who in all honestly, still scares the hell out of me. But truly, it helped me realize how much better of a person I've become. I value who I am even if others don't. I'm in a good place and remembering how bad things have been only make me fight to stay right where I am even more. It was depressing, uplifting, and humbling all in the same event.

On a lighter note, I also discovered that I have some rather unhealthy obsessions. Nail polish and post-its. Seriously, never have I come across someone with as much nail polish as me and of course never anyone with as much PURPLE nail polish as I have.




And no, my friends...that is far from all of it.

Like I said, my room isn't entirely finished yet since my closet still needs to be gone through but for the most part, I'm finished. Do you know what that means? I get to craft! It's my reward. I haven't made anything in ages, no joke. I have these cool ceramic vases that desperately need to be turned into some sweet-ass pencil holders for the dorm room desks of my friends. I'm excited :) I also have quite a few frames that need pictures so I get to go through my photos and send some to be printed. Ahh, I honestly feel like a huge anvil has been lifted off of my shoulders. This is a nice feeling. My friend Ali sent me her "happy" playlist that she appropriately titled "Prozac" and it definitely got me though this last day of cleaning. Nothing like some classic rock to keep you going and lift your spirit.

I found these cool white boards (well, I guess you could call them green boards) that I bought for my dorm room. I decided I might as well use one now. I like them. Green things make me happy.

Yes, my old Michaels name tag, an E.E. Cummings quote that I adore and found on a post-it under a pile on my desk, my tassel, a magnet I blogged about, and a couple Relay for Life magnets...that all, right there, is the gist of my life.

The room cleaning...or shall I say, the archaelogical dig.

So, I'm definitely the person whose room is usually clean and rather organized. You can eat off my floor, almost always find what your looking for, and I hardly ever feel awkward letting people see it because it's not embarrassing for it's clean and tidy and decorated to truly fit my personality. (I have EE Cummings quotes painted on canvases, artificial flowers simply nailed to the walls, dance memorabilia, photography galore...it's really me on a wall.)

HOWEVER...senior year simply attacked my room. I don't really know when it happened just slowly it started getting a little cluttered and one day...it just exploded. My room is a disaster. An insane disaster. I probably look like a hoarder. Yes, it's that bad. Yes, when one looks around my room you could very easily learn a lot about me. What I have done this year, what's important to me, what's not important to me, what taste in clothing I have, what I've been doing, who I enjoy spending time with as well as who I don't, and of course my taste in literature and music. I'm not really a poster person (except for my Across the Universe poster which I should have taken down like...2.5 years ago). In the greater scheme of things, I suppose it's kind of cool but honestly, I can't stand living in it any more and my parents are probably about ready to kill me. I hope I find a lot of stuff for Plato's closet :) More money for the dorm room decorating fund.

I was explaining the state of my room to a friend the other day and I think it went like this.

So, it's like my bookshelves all got really horny one day and before I knew it
all the books were procreating. Of course then it quickly become over populated
so books new and old were throwing others off the shelves. It was probably like
war.

I've been researching Bonnaroo ever since the NPR preview and coverage and I'm so excited for next year. I really hope I can go. Anyways, one of the bands they covered on NPR was Mumford and Sons. They're awesome, I can't get enough of them. Here's the video for my current favorite song of theirs.

Magnet

So among the gifts of jewelry, money, and random appliances, my parents got me this magnet. Yes, I guess it could go in the appliances category since it will go on the fridge, but it all reality, it's just some little thing that my parents saw, knew how "me" it was and couldn't help but include it in my gifts. To be honest, it's probably my second favorite gift. With no title it reads:

Out of the Funk!

Oh my goodness. I. Have. Got. To. Get. Out. Of. This. Funk.

Seriously.

Step 1:
Stop feeling sorry for myself.

I swear, now that I look at it, all I've been doing is allowing myself to sink deeper in this hole that I dug in the first place. It's not helping me, it's hurting me, and it has got to stop.

Step 2:
Start thinking more positively.

Power of the mind! I can't feel better about anything unless I'm conscious of the fact that I want to feel better and I visualize it.

Life goes on. It's been going on and even my own little world, it's been going on without me.
There are so many things that I have to do. So many opportunities for me. So many options right now.

Yes, I'm going to pick up and continue on with my life a little less full than it used to be but I think it's for the best. There's room now for something new. There are always going to be new people, new ideas, new things, and new lessons. I've cleared some space and I plan to grow.

I don't want anything from you, I just want my life back.

I told myself I would whine about the car accident on here but, I can't help it. Because of it, because of what's happened to me because of it, my life has changed significantly and I wouldn't really say it's "for the better." I plan things, I organized, I prioritize, and this last quarter especially, was packed full. Everything is spilling everywhere. Most days, my only goal is to not loose it in front of others.

The thing that has been driving me the craziest though is the nonsense of dealing with lawyers and insurance agents. I'm so sick of talking to them. I know they're just doing their job, but seriously? Leave me alone. There's nothing you can do for me that will make anything easier right now. There's nothing you can give me. Unless you have powers beyond my knowledge, you can't help me. Because honestly what I want is...

I want to be able to dance again. I always used to tell people that the reason I loved dance so much was because it was mine. Most days it was the only thing that could make me happy and no one could ever take it from me. Well, I guess I was wrong. You're client, the at fault driver, she's taken it away from me. The only thing that keeps me sane is gone right now. If you could find a way to have that returned I'd really appreciate it.

I want my senior year back. I wouldn't have minded not going to grad nite if I had been the one to decide, but I didn't go because I couldn't.

I want to not miss class all the time. I feel so stupid because I never know what's going on in my classes because every single day I'm off to some doctors appointment. I'm probably going to fail a couple classes 4th quarter because I'm never in class to learn the material, I'm never in class to take tests, and I can't ever stay after school to make up anything.

I want to be able to be confident going into my AP exams. I have a doctors note to get me out of them because I'm not supposed to be sitting like that for long periods of time but who in their right mind would try telling their teacher that they're just not going to take the exam? I'll be kid in the library this Thursday and next Wednesday, crying, not because I'm afraid of an AP exam or because I don't know the material, but because I'll in so much pain and I'll have a headache so strong I won't be able to see my test.

I want to be able to go to school, or anywhere for that, not on a prescription pain killer. I'm so sick of them. But of course, if I don't take them, I get to throw up at school because I'm in so much pain.
P.S. I think all of the lovely 10th graders in my Spanish class think that I'm pregnant thanks to a nice puking episode the week after the accident. Do you think you could take time out of your day to explain to them that I'm not?

I don't really like school functions but I'd really like to be able to go to prom and not worry about the amount of pain I'm in and fear that I may be bumped into on the dance floor. There are plenty of crying girls at prom and the reason for my tears wouldn't really fit in with theirs. Also, my dress doesn't fit right now because my back is so swollen. Not because I'm gaining weight, I'm actually loosing...but the swelling in my back (all over) has added a nice 3 inches...3 inches!

I'm not excited for Golden Herald because I'm afraid of falling on stage even though I'll be wearing flats.

I didn't plan this into the 4th quarter of my senior year. I also didn't plan to spend the summer before I go off to college, learning how to walk again.

I don't hate your client, I don't wish that she would die, I don't plan on threatening her. Once all of my medical bills are taken care of, no money that you can try and give me would fix anything.

I want my life back. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to feel like I have at least a little bit of control again. I want to not pass out or fall at graduation. Can you give me that?

I don't think so.

The only thing you can do for me is maybe tell your client how I'm doing. Maybe, let her know what I'm going though. Remind the sophomore that this is my senior year.

If her totaled Pontiac isn't a sign that she should stop texting while she drives, maybe letting her know how everyone else is doing could be. But you can't of course...that's illegal.

Flaw.

I've come to really realize that one of my biggest flaws is that I just don't shut up and listen sometimes.

Yes, of course, that affects my life and often my ability to do things correctly, find places, or figure things out. Lately though, I can't get over the fact that it's incredibly rude of me. It's one thing when someone is trying to help me figure something out that would ultimately help me, but when they're trying to explain something about themselves...I stop them, mid thought, jumping to a conclusion and not letting them finish. Holy crap. I'm a bitch.

Yes, sometimes he or she is telling me what their favorite starbucks drink is and why, but more often than that, it's something really significant. Like why they're passionate about something, or what they want to study, or they're explaining a tattoo, or a poem, or song and I just cut them off. 98% of the time I'm wrong and have just ruined the moment.

Who am I to assume that everyones reasoning or feelings are simple and can be guessed?

Not everyone can explain personal things to others and how terrible is it that once someone starts, I take away that moment from them.

Wow.

A certain situation has been bothering me for weeks. Ok, probably over a month actually. I can't get over how rude I was. I didn't mean to be rude but of course, how often are we actually intentionally rude? They seemed to not really mind that I was constantly guessing and assuming that I knew what they were getting to. I can't believe that they weren't a little annoyed though.

It happened again the other night.

This has got to stop.

I need to listen to people. Hear what they say. Care about the message that they are trying to get across and not what I want to think that they are telling me.

So maybe I didn't learn this today. I've known for the while. I just finally realized how big of a problem it is/could become.

I'm unbelievably sorry if I've ever done this to you. I'd apologize to those I know of, but in case you've either forgotten or never really cared, I don't want to bring it up again.