I have the absolute honor of getting to work with incredibly smart and supportive people. It’s an even greater privilege that a handful of them are mental health professionals. One of my dearest colleagues was a Marriage and Family Therapist before coming to the world of Higher Education. By no surprise, she’s who we all process our love lives with.
We’ve been touch and go in the last couple of months with the start of the year being so busy. I never even got the chance to tell her that my relationship had ended, but fortunately she just figured it out and completely understood. The other day were talking and she struggled to get started with a point she wanted to make with me. She did that thing where she’d start talking then pause and say, “I really just don’t know how to say this without sounding awful.” Jumping to assumptions like I often do, I said, “I’ve been a massive bitch lately, I’m so sorry. I’ve been sick and stressed and have just had a really hard time with some things lately. I’m sure I’ve been blunt and quick and expressing more sass to people I trust.”
“Um no…” she said, “actually, my thought is the opposite.” She went on to tell me that since my relationship had ended, she’s enjoyed me more. Yeah, those were her actual words. She said despite the stress and angst, I’ve seemed happier. I’ve been putting a lot of love and care into my work. I’ve taken more ownership of my work and thinking of ways to make it better for years to come. At first I was shocked, but then I figured it out. She’s right. As much as I still carry around a broken heart, I have so much hope and joy with my life right now. I don’t feel afraid to want to learn and grow and try. I can work really hard and do things for myself and think about the kind of future that I want for me without feeling guilty. Without thinking that I should be home on skype or focusing my energy on how I was going to move somewhere I didn’t want to be with someone who at the end of the day didn’t want to be with me. I’m no longer caught under pressure to change myself to accommodate someone who wasn’t willing to change theirs.
I really loved her, but there truly has been a weight taken off of my shoulders and my one friend wasn’t the only one who saw it. Apparently it had become a topic among some of my closest colleagues. I feel incredibly awkward and uncomfortable knowing that this had been a topics of discussion, but I guess I do that too with other people. It’s part of taking care of your people. Not gossip, but figuring out if/how they need your support. My people have known to not ask me questions and not make me talk unless I bring it up. To instead just keep me focused on where and what and how I want to keep making myself happy. And to let me cry in their offices when I need to.
Things that are helping me heal: time, friends, work, running, and this quote from Kelly Roberts...
"If you love someone why would you wait to give them that gift? Some people may not be ready for your love, that’s not your fault nor is it a good enough reason not to not tell them that you love them. (I'm serious, unrequited love sucks but even if they're not able to accept your love, they still need it.) Love is a gift that shouldn't be given only when you expect the gift in return. That's playing it safe and there's no safe bets when it comes to love. You fall head over heels in love. You don't slowly wade safely into love -- right? (I stole that from a Ted Talk so you know it's true.)"
