It's the Sixth Week of College and Life Has Thrown at Me...

Twelve too many organized activities that make me wonder if I'm actually in college.

Eleven times a day I wish I was here with my best friend.

Ten different kinds of "ice breakers" that make me cringe.

Nine nights, at least, when I've run into ten times as many drunk people as I have sober people.

Eight times I've thought, "hell there's got to be a better school than this."

Seven nights when the drunken lovers of my hallmates were pounding on the walls past 2:30 in the morning.

Six nights when people I don't even know have walked in my room or at least tried to open my locked door.

Five articles of clothing I've had stolen from the laundry room.

Four nights of clubbing that have turned me off of clubbing.

Three times I've evacuated my residence hall because the fire alarm went off.

Two cases of Arson in my residence hall alone.

One sociology class that leaves me questioning society for all the wrong reasons.

"It's terrible and it's wonderful, but it's true: we're all in the same boat. That's the consolation. It's not just me who's scared and lonely and worried and isn't sure how to help myself. We don't know how to help ourselves, but there is one thing we do know how to do. We know how to help each other."

Colin Beavan

No Impact Man

Lovely

No worries, it'll even out more as it heals.

Tattoo.

The first tattoo I ever thought about getting, that I've wanted for a while, that means more to me that I could ever explain to anyone, I've finally gotten!
In white ink I now have the word "Lovely" in my handwriting, tattooed on my left wrist. I love it. It's not healed yet, but it's already everything I wanted it to be :)
Now, I could spend 6 hours, blogging about what it means to me and why it's important and blah, blah, blah...No one would read it, everyone would get bored and I'd be yet another person you know who got a "stupid tattoo" and probably has poor judgement about everything in life...because that's how all tattooed people are, right? Whatever, I beg to differ, but that's for another day.
Here is the song that inspired the tattoo.
.
In sort, it's simply a reminder of self-love and self-acceptance. In order to keep my head on straight, my heart in the right place, and not let anyone else's ideas or opinions affect how I feel about myself, I simply need to remember that I'm lovely the way that I am. The way I am is good enough for me. Good enough for me is good enough for everyone else.

I don't wanna be hurt
I just want to be little old me
Shouldn't have to think
Who am I suppose to be today
And what give you the right
To tell me who I should be
Who gave you that right

Cause I, I feel lovely
Just the way that I am
Yes I feel lovely
The way that I am

I know you want the best
Yeah only good things for me
But you have to realize
I can be all these things you project on me
Cause I'm beautiful to me
Doesn't that mean a thing

I feel lovely
Just the way that I am
Yes I feel lovely
The way that I am

I need that to be enough for you
Need that to be enough for you
Cause it's enough for me
It's enough for me

I'm I suppose to give up everything I am
Just to make you happy
I thought I was the one you
Always wanted me to be
It turns out I'm just little old me
I'm just little old me
And that's fine by me

Cause I, I am lovely
Just the way that I am
Oh yes I am,
Yes I am lovely
The way that I am
I am lovely lovely
I am lovely

Damn case of the Blahs...

The past few weeks have been ones of some rather interesting events. In short, my vacation/insurance conference with my mother turned into an emergency trip to Iowa to visit my best friend, Emma, after her father passed away. In that same trip I discovered that my grandfather has been diagnosed with cancer during my short visit with him, attended the wedding of Emma's sister, Shelby, met a very interesting man on a plane, and almost fell of a bridge...over the Mississippi. Talk about eventful.
Now seeing Emma was fabulous. I truly wish it was under different circumstances but all in all I can't help but find myself to be undoubtedly happy when we're together. Perhaps it's because we've been seeing each other about once every year since 8th grade. Now, here's the place where I would love to go on forever about how much I love Emma and why but I'll spare her as well as whoever's reading this the awkwardness.
Anyways, like most people, I find saying goodbye to be an incredibly difficult thing. Facing the fact that I'm leaving people who actually mean something to me turns me into this sad, energy less, tired, doesn't want to be around anyone, kind of person. So then every other aspect of my life suffers. I don't care to make new friends, I don't talk to people, I feel bad about myself, I sometimes even hate the world...it's a beautiful thing...ok never mind. So, I've been a little down lately. My college orientation was hell and for the first time in oh...9 years, I'm not excited to go. Of course though I will and hopefully by then I'll be out of this funk. Usually when I'm feeling like this I can just tell myself to get out of it, do something exciting, or force myself to be around people whose company I usually enjoy, but right now, it's a state that can't be altered I guess. I'm assuming it's a mixture of stress and fear...wouldn't be the first time. I'm still hoping that I'll meet people who don't quite drive me insane when I actually move up to school. I'm excited for my classes and there were a few people who I enjoyed meeting and getting to know a bit, but other than that...there's not a whole lot I'm looking forward too. I'm ready to wake up tomorrow and be out of this funk. Please, go away. You're not welcome right now, I don't have time for this. We can wallow some other time...please.

Clean room.

Alas...three days later, my room is clean. Well, the closet I've yet to actually get to but that won't take long. The actual room, all my drawers, under the bed, my desk, and bookshelves, they're all clean. I don't think I've ever come across so much dust in my life...it was insane. I truly think that I was on the edge of becoming a hoarder. So. Much. Crap. Stuff that should have been thrown away before even being brought into my room. Subject filled binders from every year of high school, cards, notes, letter, post-its. It's like I was trying to preserve every moment from the past few years and in some cases, even beyond that. I don't know why we try and save everything. Yes, it is sometimes helpful, finding things from our past as they can give us a reason for why we do things a certain way now and simply explain a lot. I could make a book of letters and notes and yes, even post-its that someone could read and just from that probably understand, to an extent, why I am the way I am. Funny isn't it. Well, I hate to break the hearts of all who are thinking that I threw everything away but I did manage to condense it all to two boxes and safely store them in places that I can't easily access. Reading though stuff like that, while important, is not a healthy regular activity. I've learned a lot about myself that past few days. Cleaning out the 11x11 cube that housed me though the toughest years of my life so far. The years that saw me through hell and back. The years that made me realize what is important in life and taught me to see the beauty in simple things. Yes, I had my moments where my findings reminded me of the person I used to be, who in all honestly, still scares the hell out of me. But truly, it helped me realize how much better of a person I've become. I value who I am even if others don't. I'm in a good place and remembering how bad things have been only make me fight to stay right where I am even more. It was depressing, uplifting, and humbling all in the same event.

On a lighter note, I also discovered that I have some rather unhealthy obsessions. Nail polish and post-its. Seriously, never have I come across someone with as much nail polish as me and of course never anyone with as much PURPLE nail polish as I have.




And no, my friends...that is far from all of it.

Like I said, my room isn't entirely finished yet since my closet still needs to be gone through but for the most part, I'm finished. Do you know what that means? I get to craft! It's my reward. I haven't made anything in ages, no joke. I have these cool ceramic vases that desperately need to be turned into some sweet-ass pencil holders for the dorm room desks of my friends. I'm excited :) I also have quite a few frames that need pictures so I get to go through my photos and send some to be printed. Ahh, I honestly feel like a huge anvil has been lifted off of my shoulders. This is a nice feeling. My friend Ali sent me her "happy" playlist that she appropriately titled "Prozac" and it definitely got me though this last day of cleaning. Nothing like some classic rock to keep you going and lift your spirit.

I found these cool white boards (well, I guess you could call them green boards) that I bought for my dorm room. I decided I might as well use one now. I like them. Green things make me happy.

Yes, my old Michaels name tag, an E.E. Cummings quote that I adore and found on a post-it under a pile on my desk, my tassel, a magnet I blogged about, and a couple Relay for Life magnets...that all, right there, is the gist of my life.

The room cleaning...or shall I say, the archaelogical dig.

So, I'm definitely the person whose room is usually clean and rather organized. You can eat off my floor, almost always find what your looking for, and I hardly ever feel awkward letting people see it because it's not embarrassing for it's clean and tidy and decorated to truly fit my personality. (I have EE Cummings quotes painted on canvases, artificial flowers simply nailed to the walls, dance memorabilia, photography galore...it's really me on a wall.)

HOWEVER...senior year simply attacked my room. I don't really know when it happened just slowly it started getting a little cluttered and one day...it just exploded. My room is a disaster. An insane disaster. I probably look like a hoarder. Yes, it's that bad. Yes, when one looks around my room you could very easily learn a lot about me. What I have done this year, what's important to me, what's not important to me, what taste in clothing I have, what I've been doing, who I enjoy spending time with as well as who I don't, and of course my taste in literature and music. I'm not really a poster person (except for my Across the Universe poster which I should have taken down like...2.5 years ago). In the greater scheme of things, I suppose it's kind of cool but honestly, I can't stand living in it any more and my parents are probably about ready to kill me. I hope I find a lot of stuff for Plato's closet :) More money for the dorm room decorating fund.

I was explaining the state of my room to a friend the other day and I think it went like this.

So, it's like my bookshelves all got really horny one day and before I knew it
all the books were procreating. Of course then it quickly become over populated
so books new and old were throwing others off the shelves. It was probably like
war.

I've been researching Bonnaroo ever since the NPR preview and coverage and I'm so excited for next year. I really hope I can go. Anyways, one of the bands they covered on NPR was Mumford and Sons. They're awesome, I can't get enough of them. Here's the video for my current favorite song of theirs.

Magnet

So among the gifts of jewelry, money, and random appliances, my parents got me this magnet. Yes, I guess it could go in the appliances category since it will go on the fridge, but it all reality, it's just some little thing that my parents saw, knew how "me" it was and couldn't help but include it in my gifts. To be honest, it's probably my second favorite gift. With no title it reads:

Out of the Funk!

Oh my goodness. I. Have. Got. To. Get. Out. Of. This. Funk.

Seriously.

Step 1:
Stop feeling sorry for myself.

I swear, now that I look at it, all I've been doing is allowing myself to sink deeper in this hole that I dug in the first place. It's not helping me, it's hurting me, and it has got to stop.

Step 2:
Start thinking more positively.

Power of the mind! I can't feel better about anything unless I'm conscious of the fact that I want to feel better and I visualize it.

Life goes on. It's been going on and even my own little world, it's been going on without me.
There are so many things that I have to do. So many opportunities for me. So many options right now.

Yes, I'm going to pick up and continue on with my life a little less full than it used to be but I think it's for the best. There's room now for something new. There are always going to be new people, new ideas, new things, and new lessons. I've cleared some space and I plan to grow.

I don't want anything from you, I just want my life back.

I told myself I would whine about the car accident on here but, I can't help it. Because of it, because of what's happened to me because of it, my life has changed significantly and I wouldn't really say it's "for the better." I plan things, I organized, I prioritize, and this last quarter especially, was packed full. Everything is spilling everywhere. Most days, my only goal is to not loose it in front of others.

The thing that has been driving me the craziest though is the nonsense of dealing with lawyers and insurance agents. I'm so sick of talking to them. I know they're just doing their job, but seriously? Leave me alone. There's nothing you can do for me that will make anything easier right now. There's nothing you can give me. Unless you have powers beyond my knowledge, you can't help me. Because honestly what I want is...

I want to be able to dance again. I always used to tell people that the reason I loved dance so much was because it was mine. Most days it was the only thing that could make me happy and no one could ever take it from me. Well, I guess I was wrong. You're client, the at fault driver, she's taken it away from me. The only thing that keeps me sane is gone right now. If you could find a way to have that returned I'd really appreciate it.

I want my senior year back. I wouldn't have minded not going to grad nite if I had been the one to decide, but I didn't go because I couldn't.

I want to not miss class all the time. I feel so stupid because I never know what's going on in my classes because every single day I'm off to some doctors appointment. I'm probably going to fail a couple classes 4th quarter because I'm never in class to learn the material, I'm never in class to take tests, and I can't ever stay after school to make up anything.

I want to be able to be confident going into my AP exams. I have a doctors note to get me out of them because I'm not supposed to be sitting like that for long periods of time but who in their right mind would try telling their teacher that they're just not going to take the exam? I'll be kid in the library this Thursday and next Wednesday, crying, not because I'm afraid of an AP exam or because I don't know the material, but because I'll in so much pain and I'll have a headache so strong I won't be able to see my test.

I want to be able to go to school, or anywhere for that, not on a prescription pain killer. I'm so sick of them. But of course, if I don't take them, I get to throw up at school because I'm in so much pain.
P.S. I think all of the lovely 10th graders in my Spanish class think that I'm pregnant thanks to a nice puking episode the week after the accident. Do you think you could take time out of your day to explain to them that I'm not?

I don't really like school functions but I'd really like to be able to go to prom and not worry about the amount of pain I'm in and fear that I may be bumped into on the dance floor. There are plenty of crying girls at prom and the reason for my tears wouldn't really fit in with theirs. Also, my dress doesn't fit right now because my back is so swollen. Not because I'm gaining weight, I'm actually loosing...but the swelling in my back (all over) has added a nice 3 inches...3 inches!

I'm not excited for Golden Herald because I'm afraid of falling on stage even though I'll be wearing flats.

I didn't plan this into the 4th quarter of my senior year. I also didn't plan to spend the summer before I go off to college, learning how to walk again.

I don't hate your client, I don't wish that she would die, I don't plan on threatening her. Once all of my medical bills are taken care of, no money that you can try and give me would fix anything.

I want my life back. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to feel like I have at least a little bit of control again. I want to not pass out or fall at graduation. Can you give me that?

I don't think so.

The only thing you can do for me is maybe tell your client how I'm doing. Maybe, let her know what I'm going though. Remind the sophomore that this is my senior year.

If her totaled Pontiac isn't a sign that she should stop texting while she drives, maybe letting her know how everyone else is doing could be. But you can't of course...that's illegal.

Flaw.

I've come to really realize that one of my biggest flaws is that I just don't shut up and listen sometimes.

Yes, of course, that affects my life and often my ability to do things correctly, find places, or figure things out. Lately though, I can't get over the fact that it's incredibly rude of me. It's one thing when someone is trying to help me figure something out that would ultimately help me, but when they're trying to explain something about themselves...I stop them, mid thought, jumping to a conclusion and not letting them finish. Holy crap. I'm a bitch.

Yes, sometimes he or she is telling me what their favorite starbucks drink is and why, but more often than that, it's something really significant. Like why they're passionate about something, or what they want to study, or they're explaining a tattoo, or a poem, or song and I just cut them off. 98% of the time I'm wrong and have just ruined the moment.

Who am I to assume that everyones reasoning or feelings are simple and can be guessed?

Not everyone can explain personal things to others and how terrible is it that once someone starts, I take away that moment from them.

Wow.

A certain situation has been bothering me for weeks. Ok, probably over a month actually. I can't get over how rude I was. I didn't mean to be rude but of course, how often are we actually intentionally rude? They seemed to not really mind that I was constantly guessing and assuming that I knew what they were getting to. I can't believe that they weren't a little annoyed though.

It happened again the other night.

This has got to stop.

I need to listen to people. Hear what they say. Care about the message that they are trying to get across and not what I want to think that they are telling me.

So maybe I didn't learn this today. I've known for the while. I just finally realized how big of a problem it is/could become.

I'm unbelievably sorry if I've ever done this to you. I'd apologize to those I know of, but in case you've either forgotten or never really cared, I don't want to bring it up again.

RIT dye

Today I learned that the liquid RIT dye concentrate is so much better than the RIT granules. Yes, the liquid is more expensive, but it colors much better and actually goes further...much further. My friend Jessica and I figured this out tonight as we were testing some tie dye ideas for our Relay for Life team shirts. We will definitely be using the liquid concentrate from now on.

Yes, I know this seems unimportant but with the number of shirts we will be making by April 30th, this discovery will be very useful!

63 percent...

Did you know that 63% of students in Manatee county receive free or reduced lunch? 63%. Wow. I knew the percentage was over 50 because I had researched earlier this year as I've A) been curious and B) included the information in my Golden Herald application because I felt it important to explain why what "Backpack Club Inc." does is so important. But 63%. 63 percent. I know, many of you are probably unimpressed because you think we live in a worthless hell hole and yes, it is Florida, where the economy crashed first and the hardest, but seriously. There are worse places, this is far from a hell hole. I understand that not all of those eligible to receive free and reduced lunch are living these horrifying, devastating, cardboard box lives but still, the majority of students in our county live in homes where the household's income in below the point at which the state feels is enough to provide lunch and breakfast for the children in the family. In all reality, the state's not all that generous.
Like I said before, not all of these students are in serious situations are but are a few who only eat when they're at school. There are kids who don't eat between noon and 7:30 the next morning. Kids who don't eat on Saturdays and Sundays. Their malnourished which caused their immune systems to not be as strong, causing them to be sick more often, causing them to miss more school. When little kids get sick, their parents don't go to work...and that's if they have a job. It's an aweful chain and cycle.

Women of Distinction and Queso

I will honestly tell you that I learned more than I could have imagined today. I simply love being around adults with values and characteristics I admire. For the most part, today was wonderful. It was amazing to see someone who in the past year or so I've come to love like an older sister be honored for the work that she has done throughout her life for her community and her passion to make everyone's life happier, easier, and better. I've been inspired by her. To see all of the women being honored today, to know that I'm not crazy for being passionate about helping others, and too see what amazing things they have done...I can't explain how it makes me feel. I think it may have been reassurance that all of my time and energy that other people have told me I've been "wasting" really is not a waste. While honoring was of course the theme of the day, learning was yet again the theme of mine. Unfortunately, I couldn't pick out just one thing I learned. They're all so important and while I wish I could, I can't type all night. So, I think the lesson I'll report on today will have to be a funny, seemingly unimportant one.

Here goes. I learned today that I should really just stop eating queso with my chips on taco Tuesday. I never fail to make a mess. I always to a lovely job eating when I have silverware or any sort of "civilized" food but chips and queso, that's a whole different hell. I went almost all day without embarrassing myself...and then the queso. Only I can master the art of routinely dripping queso on my collar bone. Go. Me.

Learning

I'm constantly claiming that I love to learn and that I enjoy nothing more than learning. That I love to take every opportunity and experience in life as one of learning. I know I'm always learning but I couldn't always tell you exactly what I was learning. Therefore, from now on I'm promising myself that I will learn and retain at least one thing every day and report it here on my blog. Hopefully, the few random people that actually read my blog will learn something too. So here's the first entry.



P.S. Some days I will report on new knowledge of real value and others I may explain something dumb and absurd that only I or my friends really need to know. Just a warning there.



Today, I learned that Emily Dickinson wasn't simply a sad, mopey person. Yes, she was rather introverted and reclusive but she had a warm, loving family and was madly in love with someone for the greater part of her life. Actually, those who knew her well claimed that she was quite eccentric.

We often try to hard to dissect her poems and find a meaning in them that is beyond just what is presented but the thing that actually makes he quite charming is the fact that not all of her poems had a deeper meaning. Yes, I am telling you that she was really just talking about snakes. It wasn't an extended metaphor. Just snakes. The beauty is in how she describes not in some hidden meaning.

Lessons and Resolutions.

I've decided that while it's very important to make resolution as a new year sets in, it's also important to look back. So I think I'm going to look back on 2009, remember what was good, what was bad, what went well, and what went terribly wrong.What have we learned?



Lessons learned from 2009.



1. Working retail is more than likely the 9th circle of hell. But it builds character.

2. Boys often make the best friends.

3. Aprons are the second greatest personal storage accesories next to purses.

4. Finding the right university is hard but possibly the most important decision for me to make right now.

5. Music is often the greatest escape.

6. Falling in love with your best friend is a very bad idea.

7. College guys are often no more mature than high school guys.

8. Taking time to breath can do a world of good when trying to battle difficult tasks.

9. My dad is the greatest person to vent to but the worst person to go to for homework help.

10. Being a leader is a challenge but it's character building. You have to learn quickly that not everyone will end up as your best friend.

11. Always backup all of your files! All of them!

12. Nothing can be done right when you're stressed and or overwhelmed.

13. Screaming at me to calm down and relax only stresses me more and makes me cry.

14. Patience is very important in every situation.

15. Stoves are hot and so are ovens.

Resolutions

1. Go to dance at least 2 times a week.

2. Limit the energy drinks to 3 a week and don't drink any after 8pm.

3. Actually take all of my medicine and vitamins every day. No wonder I keep getting sick.

4. Call Emma at least once a month.

5. Learn to cook. (At least try.)

6. Take more bubble baths. They're good for your soul...and for your back.

7. Stay more organized when it comes to my homework and school related stuff.

8. Stop putting up with other people's bull shit. I don't need those kind of people in my life.

9. Take more photos. Learn more about photography.

10. Generally take better care of myself.

11. Try to get transfered to the University store.

12. Relax more. Few things are really THAT important.