I haven’t posted here in 6 years. 6 years. Sometimes I forget that the Internet was a thing 6 years ago, but then I remember just how old I’m getting. Such a joy…but really, it is.

Here are a few things that have happened…or better yet, haven’t changed.

• I graduated from college…well, 2 years ago. I stayed at the same school and while I fell absolutely in love with so much of it and ended up feeling really connected and supported, I still managed a classic love/hate relationship with it and the people there. I suppose you could say the exact same thing for my relationship with myself over the past 6 years.

• While in college I majored in Sociology and minored in Sexuality, Women, and Gender studies. It was hard, sometimes it made no sense, but I loved it. I was an RA for 3 years, joined a sorority and held a leadership position in it, and rode the roller coaster of 18-21 as best as I could. I really miss being a student and would really like to start grad school in the next year or so, but I can’t quite figure out what I want to study. I’m trying to find a balance between what I really love and what will help propel me further into my career while at the same time not limit me to only staying in my current field.

• Speaking of my current field, I am starting my third year as a Higher Education Student Affairs professional. I have been working full time in Residential Life since graduating undergrad – literally I had 3 days between graduation and starting my first job. My first job was such a learning experience but also complete hell. The stars aligned and after that first year I was able to take a similar position at another school (one I had looked at attending for undergrad) and am ankle deep into my second year here. I love it. It’s hard, I’m always on my toes, sometimes I fall, but I couldn’t imagine doing anything else right now.

• My biggest flaw is still that I don’t listen enough. I do now more than I ever used to because it’s a key part of my job, but in general…I still cut people off when I think I know what they need, I’m planning what I have to say when they’re talking instead of completely listening. I 100% know better than to do that now, because more times that I can count I’ve been taught how to be a better listener by professionals and have even taught listening skills to others…it’s a conundrum really.

• I came out. I don’t know if when I started this blog I really even understood that I was gay. It wasn’t talked about much as I was growing up, I never felt the need to identify as anything and like we hear many joke about…literally “No one every asked me when I learned I was straight”…so I guess my coming out process – both to myself and others – got to be very personal and introspective. I just never liked guys the way my friends did and my sex positive and always willing to listen type never made me feel all that different from my straight peers. The fighting with myself to engage and respond to guys did though. It wasn’t supposed to be that hard right? Anyways, I bumped into the “you’re probably gay” corner the summer before I left for college when a close friend of mine told me she was bi and SLAMMED into the “you’re definitely gay” wall when I got to college and saw other gay people and same sex couples living happy, healthy, supported lives. Boom. Done. Definitely gay and definitely just fine. I have an amazing support system and the privilege to choose to surround myself with people who support me. I regularly have to remind myself how privileged I am that being gay has nearly no significance to others in the world I get to live in. I have never felt threatened or too different because of my sexual orientation, but I HAVE to remember that others are not in my position. Being open, being a role model, and being a resource for people is an important part of my life and my work. Being out at work as someone who works with college students is SO important and I will happily chat with anyone who thinks otherwise.

• I still get as side tracked and emotional. Example – the excerpt above.

• I very recently had my heart broken…and in the chaos of this time of year and working in education…I really haven’t been able to let myself process and heal. I 98% saw this coming. We really really enjoyed being together and were good for each other in so many ways, but we knew we needed and wanted different things and it would take immense sacrifice from one person for us to be able to be together long term. That’s just not how love works y’all. At the same time, there was that 2% that I was holding on to for dear life. It was long distance (Nebraska – Florida) and I gave it everything I had. But I slipped off a cloud one day and was hit in the face with how the effort for our relationship was so concentrated with me. There’s a fine line between doing anything for love and making sure there’s equitable effort…if that makes any sense. There is so so so much more to this story, but that’s the synopsis. It has been really hard. Partly because I just had to package up all of my stress and grief and sadness and put it in the corner so that I could get on with the most import part of my year job wise…and partly because a lot of the healing from this involves forgiving myself. I worked so hard to let this relationship be the epitome of “drop all the walls, trust everything, and just let yourself love” and it bitch slapped me into an alternate dimension. I could hate her with so much energy, but I know better than to. I’m entirely bewildered by some of her needs and actions, but I can rest knowing that they’re not mine to understand. There are days when I miss everything about her. There are days when I wish we had never met. There are days when I'm so angry and hurt I can't imagine ever having any sort of relationship with her ever again. Breakups are supposed to suck, right?

• I started running. After healing (well, as best as you can heal with life long therapies) from the back injury I sustained during my last year of high school, I started running. Growing up as a dancer I wasn’t allowed to run because it apparently built your leg muscles to be stronger in the wrong places. That’s probably a massive “old wives tale” but I listened to it at the time, and when dance wasn’t really an option any more I started running. Running is a horrible choice of exercise for someone with a long-term lower back injury, but I was 19 and didn’t give a shit. I’m still a runner…and it takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to call myself that, but I am. I have run 3 half marathons and various races of shorter, but usually equally challenges distances. I never “race” exactly, my only goals are to finish and not get injured and I can’t even manage both of those sometimes. My next half is this coming January and for the first time in my life I am going to training for it with a local training group. I want to be motivated, I want to fully train throughout the program and not let myself slack like I do when I’m on my own. I want to be social outside of work. I want to do something that terrifies me. I want to go into the race knowing full well that I can do it. Every other race has been this big miracle that I even finished and came with at least one injury that sidelined me for months. Not this time! Well, I can’t guarantee it, but I can try a little harder. Kelly Roberts is a major role model and inspiration for me and so because she confidently says it, I’ll say it too…  Sometimes the best way to run from your problems is to actually run from them. Example – the excerpt above.

So many other things have happened in the last 6 years. I’m an incredibly different person, but at the same time, so much still that 17 year old with wild hopes and extreme fear. We’ll see where it all takes me.

To courage and vulnerability!

Lauren