running and all of the support

Last Friday night I went to my first group run. I have been absolutely terrified to do something like this. Fear (which I’ll write about soon, I promise) controls so much of what I do…AND I HAVE BEEN IN COMPLETE DENAIL ABOUT IT. But I did it.

My local running store, staffed by the most loving super heroes, host group runs twice a week as well as various other themed events and activities. Last Friday it was Ladies Night. A representative from Brooks was coming and allowing women runners (well, feminine runners who wear bras) to not only try on some of their most popular styles, but let us go out for a run in them. Yep…she let us try on bras then go sweat our nasty Florida runner sweat in them before deciding if we wanted to buy one (and we weren’t even allowed to buy our sweaty one). What a gift, I mean really. I already own a couple of Brooks (Brooks recently bought Moving Comfort if you didn’t know) bras and one I love and the other I hate, so I figured I would go and see if I was even wearing the right size, maybe test out a style I didn’t already own, experience my first group run in the most painless environment they could create, and enjoy some free champagne. No harm no foul…good trial run before starting my group-training program, right?

Well…on my way there I stalled in the work parking lot talking to a colleague about nothing and then circled the parking lot before I left. My heart pounded so hard I thought that I was going to puke on the drive over. Why was I so afraid? I’ve run countless races. Hell, I have paid to run, surrounded by strangers, time and time again. Why was I so afraid to go on a free group run with only women?

I still couldn’t tell you, but I guarantee you that it has a lot to do with comparing myself to others and the intense discomfort that comes with being vulnerable. Well there, I guess I can tell you. You know what else I can tell you…that I had absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

My stalling and delayed departure from work Friday night left me to arrive at the running store at 6:40pm…5 minutes before the group run was about to start. I showed up in the dress I had worn that day with my running clothes in my bag and most certainly a panicked look on my face.  I was gracefully intercepted upon arrival by not one, but two, of their painfully generous staff and was measured and handed a bra to try on for our “quick, fun, easy” run.

I go to the dressing room and it hits me in the face/gut/chest that I’ve been sick and it has been the busy time of year for me work wise and it was just summer (in Florida) so I haven’t really run…like not even from something…in at least two months. I was definitely about to embarrass myself, but somewhere between hand placing my breasts into a sports bra designed by an armory and putting on the wrong socks, I decided to just go for it. We took a group picture before our run – smart because 37 seconds into any exercise and I look like the red telletubby – and walk outside through the parking lot to the local trail. The store staff member facilitating our run announced that “we were going to take it easy tonight, do whatever’s fun for you!” …I laughed. The front the group took off an easy pace and I kept up with them for a few minutes. I decided I didn’t want to completely embarrass myself so after a while I slowed down with the intention of pickup my pace in a little bit and doing a sort of run/walk interval.

I had never been on the trail before and had no reference as to how far we were going. I would spot landmarks and decide to start running once I got there then spot another landmark in the distance and decide to stop running once I got there. I played this game until I saw the group ahead (but not too far ahead) turn around. Our facilitator yelled, “turn around at the palm tree”….I had just started running again. I could definitely make it to the palm tree. I ran to the palm tree and as I turned around saw just how far back others were behind me. However, when the runners ahead of me passed them, the walkers all turned around to join. I had managed to stay gracefully mid-pack…and then I was last. I continued to play my landmark interval game, paying no attention to my Fitbit or my running app. My intervals allowed me to pass the walkers and make it back to the store, still gracefully mid-pack.

I don’t know how I did it…but I know for sure that I would not have gone as far and worked as hard as I did if I wasn’t surrounded by people who had expectations of me. I’m not being cocky, I know none of them cared how I performed, but they left with me and they expected me to return with them. Maybe ahead of them or behind them, but regardless we were on the same run. That right there is the magic of group runs. I don’t need a gossip friend, I don’t need to beat anyone, but knowing that people were waiting for me might have been the only thing that kept me going.

I surprised myself big time the other night, both physically and emotionally. You’re supposed to do things that terrify you right? That’s supposed to be good for you?

It must be, because the universe rewarded me big time. There was a drawing after our run. There were a few little prizes from Brooks, then the grand prize of a free bra of our choice. I was being rude and on my phone taking care of a work situation when my name was called…because I won the free bra. My first instinctual reaction was to cry…because that what I do when I’m surprised or overwhelmed or grateful or tried or confused or have a hangnail. But I caught myself before I made my night even more embarrassing and simply said “Wow, thank you! I’m sorry I was on my phone.”  30 sweaty minutes of champagne drinking and bra fitting later, I left with a Jubralee bra, a discounted pair of compression calf sleeves, and a glow of confidence that I haven’t worn in a very long time.

Friday night I felt a perfect combination of being pushed and feeling supported…both in both literal and metaphorical ways. I’m still a little terrified, but can’t wait to start my training program with them. I remain shocked that I even committed to this, but I keep hearing that if it doesn’t scare you, it’s probably not worth doing…so I’m just going to keep leaning on that.