Lovely

No worries, it'll even out more as it heals.

Tattoo.

The first tattoo I ever thought about getting, that I've wanted for a while, that means more to me that I could ever explain to anyone, I've finally gotten!
In white ink I now have the word "Lovely" in my handwriting, tattooed on my left wrist. I love it. It's not healed yet, but it's already everything I wanted it to be :)
Now, I could spend 6 hours, blogging about what it means to me and why it's important and blah, blah, blah...No one would read it, everyone would get bored and I'd be yet another person you know who got a "stupid tattoo" and probably has poor judgement about everything in life...because that's how all tattooed people are, right? Whatever, I beg to differ, but that's for another day.
Here is the song that inspired the tattoo.
.
In sort, it's simply a reminder of self-love and self-acceptance. In order to keep my head on straight, my heart in the right place, and not let anyone else's ideas or opinions affect how I feel about myself, I simply need to remember that I'm lovely the way that I am. The way I am is good enough for me. Good enough for me is good enough for everyone else.

I don't wanna be hurt
I just want to be little old me
Shouldn't have to think
Who am I suppose to be today
And what give you the right
To tell me who I should be
Who gave you that right

Cause I, I feel lovely
Just the way that I am
Yes I feel lovely
The way that I am

I know you want the best
Yeah only good things for me
But you have to realize
I can be all these things you project on me
Cause I'm beautiful to me
Doesn't that mean a thing

I feel lovely
Just the way that I am
Yes I feel lovely
The way that I am

I need that to be enough for you
Need that to be enough for you
Cause it's enough for me
It's enough for me

I'm I suppose to give up everything I am
Just to make you happy
I thought I was the one you
Always wanted me to be
It turns out I'm just little old me
I'm just little old me
And that's fine by me

Cause I, I am lovely
Just the way that I am
Oh yes I am,
Yes I am lovely
The way that I am
I am lovely lovely
I am lovely

Damn case of the Blahs...

The past few weeks have been ones of some rather interesting events. In short, my vacation/insurance conference with my mother turned into an emergency trip to Iowa to visit my best friend, Emma, after her father passed away. In that same trip I discovered that my grandfather has been diagnosed with cancer during my short visit with him, attended the wedding of Emma's sister, Shelby, met a very interesting man on a plane, and almost fell of a bridge...over the Mississippi. Talk about eventful.
Now seeing Emma was fabulous. I truly wish it was under different circumstances but all in all I can't help but find myself to be undoubtedly happy when we're together. Perhaps it's because we've been seeing each other about once every year since 8th grade. Now, here's the place where I would love to go on forever about how much I love Emma and why but I'll spare her as well as whoever's reading this the awkwardness.
Anyways, like most people, I find saying goodbye to be an incredibly difficult thing. Facing the fact that I'm leaving people who actually mean something to me turns me into this sad, energy less, tired, doesn't want to be around anyone, kind of person. So then every other aspect of my life suffers. I don't care to make new friends, I don't talk to people, I feel bad about myself, I sometimes even hate the world...it's a beautiful thing...ok never mind. So, I've been a little down lately. My college orientation was hell and for the first time in oh...9 years, I'm not excited to go. Of course though I will and hopefully by then I'll be out of this funk. Usually when I'm feeling like this I can just tell myself to get out of it, do something exciting, or force myself to be around people whose company I usually enjoy, but right now, it's a state that can't be altered I guess. I'm assuming it's a mixture of stress and fear...wouldn't be the first time. I'm still hoping that I'll meet people who don't quite drive me insane when I actually move up to school. I'm excited for my classes and there were a few people who I enjoyed meeting and getting to know a bit, but other than that...there's not a whole lot I'm looking forward too. I'm ready to wake up tomorrow and be out of this funk. Please, go away. You're not welcome right now, I don't have time for this. We can wallow some other time...please.

Clean room.

Alas...three days later, my room is clean. Well, the closet I've yet to actually get to but that won't take long. The actual room, all my drawers, under the bed, my desk, and bookshelves, they're all clean. I don't think I've ever come across so much dust in my life...it was insane. I truly think that I was on the edge of becoming a hoarder. So. Much. Crap. Stuff that should have been thrown away before even being brought into my room. Subject filled binders from every year of high school, cards, notes, letter, post-its. It's like I was trying to preserve every moment from the past few years and in some cases, even beyond that. I don't know why we try and save everything. Yes, it is sometimes helpful, finding things from our past as they can give us a reason for why we do things a certain way now and simply explain a lot. I could make a book of letters and notes and yes, even post-its that someone could read and just from that probably understand, to an extent, why I am the way I am. Funny isn't it. Well, I hate to break the hearts of all who are thinking that I threw everything away but I did manage to condense it all to two boxes and safely store them in places that I can't easily access. Reading though stuff like that, while important, is not a healthy regular activity. I've learned a lot about myself that past few days. Cleaning out the 11x11 cube that housed me though the toughest years of my life so far. The years that saw me through hell and back. The years that made me realize what is important in life and taught me to see the beauty in simple things. Yes, I had my moments where my findings reminded me of the person I used to be, who in all honestly, still scares the hell out of me. But truly, it helped me realize how much better of a person I've become. I value who I am even if others don't. I'm in a good place and remembering how bad things have been only make me fight to stay right where I am even more. It was depressing, uplifting, and humbling all in the same event.

On a lighter note, I also discovered that I have some rather unhealthy obsessions. Nail polish and post-its. Seriously, never have I come across someone with as much nail polish as me and of course never anyone with as much PURPLE nail polish as I have.




And no, my friends...that is far from all of it.

Like I said, my room isn't entirely finished yet since my closet still needs to be gone through but for the most part, I'm finished. Do you know what that means? I get to craft! It's my reward. I haven't made anything in ages, no joke. I have these cool ceramic vases that desperately need to be turned into some sweet-ass pencil holders for the dorm room desks of my friends. I'm excited :) I also have quite a few frames that need pictures so I get to go through my photos and send some to be printed. Ahh, I honestly feel like a huge anvil has been lifted off of my shoulders. This is a nice feeling. My friend Ali sent me her "happy" playlist that she appropriately titled "Prozac" and it definitely got me though this last day of cleaning. Nothing like some classic rock to keep you going and lift your spirit.

I found these cool white boards (well, I guess you could call them green boards) that I bought for my dorm room. I decided I might as well use one now. I like them. Green things make me happy.

Yes, my old Michaels name tag, an E.E. Cummings quote that I adore and found on a post-it under a pile on my desk, my tassel, a magnet I blogged about, and a couple Relay for Life magnets...that all, right there, is the gist of my life.

The room cleaning...or shall I say, the archaelogical dig.

So, I'm definitely the person whose room is usually clean and rather organized. You can eat off my floor, almost always find what your looking for, and I hardly ever feel awkward letting people see it because it's not embarrassing for it's clean and tidy and decorated to truly fit my personality. (I have EE Cummings quotes painted on canvases, artificial flowers simply nailed to the walls, dance memorabilia, photography galore...it's really me on a wall.)

HOWEVER...senior year simply attacked my room. I don't really know when it happened just slowly it started getting a little cluttered and one day...it just exploded. My room is a disaster. An insane disaster. I probably look like a hoarder. Yes, it's that bad. Yes, when one looks around my room you could very easily learn a lot about me. What I have done this year, what's important to me, what's not important to me, what taste in clothing I have, what I've been doing, who I enjoy spending time with as well as who I don't, and of course my taste in literature and music. I'm not really a poster person (except for my Across the Universe poster which I should have taken down like...2.5 years ago). In the greater scheme of things, I suppose it's kind of cool but honestly, I can't stand living in it any more and my parents are probably about ready to kill me. I hope I find a lot of stuff for Plato's closet :) More money for the dorm room decorating fund.

I was explaining the state of my room to a friend the other day and I think it went like this.

So, it's like my bookshelves all got really horny one day and before I knew it
all the books were procreating. Of course then it quickly become over populated
so books new and old were throwing others off the shelves. It was probably like
war.

I've been researching Bonnaroo ever since the NPR preview and coverage and I'm so excited for next year. I really hope I can go. Anyways, one of the bands they covered on NPR was Mumford and Sons. They're awesome, I can't get enough of them. Here's the video for my current favorite song of theirs.

Magnet

So among the gifts of jewelry, money, and random appliances, my parents got me this magnet. Yes, I guess it could go in the appliances category since it will go on the fridge, but it all reality, it's just some little thing that my parents saw, knew how "me" it was and couldn't help but include it in my gifts. To be honest, it's probably my second favorite gift. With no title it reads:

Out of the Funk!

Oh my goodness. I. Have. Got. To. Get. Out. Of. This. Funk.

Seriously.

Step 1:
Stop feeling sorry for myself.

I swear, now that I look at it, all I've been doing is allowing myself to sink deeper in this hole that I dug in the first place. It's not helping me, it's hurting me, and it has got to stop.

Step 2:
Start thinking more positively.

Power of the mind! I can't feel better about anything unless I'm conscious of the fact that I want to feel better and I visualize it.

Life goes on. It's been going on and even my own little world, it's been going on without me.
There are so many things that I have to do. So many opportunities for me. So many options right now.

Yes, I'm going to pick up and continue on with my life a little less full than it used to be but I think it's for the best. There's room now for something new. There are always going to be new people, new ideas, new things, and new lessons. I've cleared some space and I plan to grow.