Oh my goodness. I. Have. Got. To. Get. Out. Of. This. Funk.
Seriously.
Step 1:
Stop feeling sorry for myself.
I swear, now that I look at it, all I've been doing is allowing myself to sink deeper in this hole that I dug in the first place. It's not helping me, it's hurting me, and it has got to stop.
Step 2:
Start thinking more positively.
Power of the mind! I can't feel better about anything unless I'm conscious of the fact that I want to feel better and I visualize it.
Life goes on. It's been going on and even my own little world, it's been going on without me.
There are so many things that I have to do. So many opportunities for me. So many options right now.
Yes, I'm going to pick up and continue on with my life a little less full than it used to be but I think it's for the best. There's room now for something new. There are always going to be new people, new ideas, new things, and new lessons. I've cleared some space and I plan to grow.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
I don't want anything from you, I just want my life back.
I told myself I would whine about the car accident on here but, I can't help it. Because of it, because of what's happened to me because of it, my life has changed significantly and I wouldn't really say it's "for the better." I plan things, I organized, I prioritize, and this last quarter especially, was packed full. Everything is spilling everywhere. Most days, my only goal is to not loose it in front of others.
The thing that has been driving me the craziest though is the nonsense of dealing with lawyers and insurance agents. I'm so sick of talking to them. I know they're just doing their job, but seriously? Leave me alone. There's nothing you can do for me that will make anything easier right now. There's nothing you can give me. Unless you have powers beyond my knowledge, you can't help me. Because honestly what I want is...
I want to be able to dance again. I always used to tell people that the reason I loved dance so much was because it was mine. Most days it was the only thing that could make me happy and no one could ever take it from me. Well, I guess I was wrong. You're client, the at fault driver, she's taken it away from me. The only thing that keeps me sane is gone right now. If you could find a way to have that returned I'd really appreciate it.
I want my senior year back. I wouldn't have minded not going to grad nite if I had been the one to decide, but I didn't go because I couldn't.
I want to not miss class all the time. I feel so stupid because I never know what's going on in my classes because every single day I'm off to some doctors appointment. I'm probably going to fail a couple classes 4th quarter because I'm never in class to learn the material, I'm never in class to take tests, and I can't ever stay after school to make up anything.
I want to be able to be confident going into my AP exams. I have a doctors note to get me out of them because I'm not supposed to be sitting like that for long periods of time but who in their right mind would try telling their teacher that they're just not going to take the exam? I'll be kid in the library this Thursday and next Wednesday, crying, not because I'm afraid of an AP exam or because I don't know the material, but because I'll in so much pain and I'll have a headache so strong I won't be able to see my test.
I want to be able to go to school, or anywhere for that, not on a prescription pain killer. I'm so sick of them. But of course, if I don't take them, I get to throw up at school because I'm in so much pain.
P.S. I think all of the lovely 10th graders in my Spanish class think that I'm pregnant thanks to a nice puking episode the week after the accident. Do you think you could take time out of your day to explain to them that I'm not?
I don't really like school functions but I'd really like to be able to go to prom and not worry about the amount of pain I'm in and fear that I may be bumped into on the dance floor. There are plenty of crying girls at prom and the reason for my tears wouldn't really fit in with theirs. Also, my dress doesn't fit right now because my back is so swollen. Not because I'm gaining weight, I'm actually loosing...but the swelling in my back (all over) has added a nice 3 inches...3 inches!
I'm not excited for Golden Herald because I'm afraid of falling on stage even though I'll be wearing flats.
I didn't plan this into the 4th quarter of my senior year. I also didn't plan to spend the summer before I go off to college, learning how to walk again.
I don't hate your client, I don't wish that she would die, I don't plan on threatening her. Once all of my medical bills are taken care of, no money that you can try and give me would fix anything.
I want my life back. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to feel like I have at least a little bit of control again. I want to not pass out or fall at graduation. Can you give me that?
I don't think so.
The only thing you can do for me is maybe tell your client how I'm doing. Maybe, let her know what I'm going though. Remind the sophomore that this is my senior year.
If her totaled Pontiac isn't a sign that she should stop texting while she drives, maybe letting her know how everyone else is doing could be. But you can't of course...that's illegal.
The thing that has been driving me the craziest though is the nonsense of dealing with lawyers and insurance agents. I'm so sick of talking to them. I know they're just doing their job, but seriously? Leave me alone. There's nothing you can do for me that will make anything easier right now. There's nothing you can give me. Unless you have powers beyond my knowledge, you can't help me. Because honestly what I want is...
I want to be able to dance again. I always used to tell people that the reason I loved dance so much was because it was mine. Most days it was the only thing that could make me happy and no one could ever take it from me. Well, I guess I was wrong. You're client, the at fault driver, she's taken it away from me. The only thing that keeps me sane is gone right now. If you could find a way to have that returned I'd really appreciate it.
I want my senior year back. I wouldn't have minded not going to grad nite if I had been the one to decide, but I didn't go because I couldn't.
I want to not miss class all the time. I feel so stupid because I never know what's going on in my classes because every single day I'm off to some doctors appointment. I'm probably going to fail a couple classes 4th quarter because I'm never in class to learn the material, I'm never in class to take tests, and I can't ever stay after school to make up anything.
I want to be able to be confident going into my AP exams. I have a doctors note to get me out of them because I'm not supposed to be sitting like that for long periods of time but who in their right mind would try telling their teacher that they're just not going to take the exam? I'll be kid in the library this Thursday and next Wednesday, crying, not because I'm afraid of an AP exam or because I don't know the material, but because I'll in so much pain and I'll have a headache so strong I won't be able to see my test.
I want to be able to go to school, or anywhere for that, not on a prescription pain killer. I'm so sick of them. But of course, if I don't take them, I get to throw up at school because I'm in so much pain.
P.S. I think all of the lovely 10th graders in my Spanish class think that I'm pregnant thanks to a nice puking episode the week after the accident. Do you think you could take time out of your day to explain to them that I'm not?
I don't really like school functions but I'd really like to be able to go to prom and not worry about the amount of pain I'm in and fear that I may be bumped into on the dance floor. There are plenty of crying girls at prom and the reason for my tears wouldn't really fit in with theirs. Also, my dress doesn't fit right now because my back is so swollen. Not because I'm gaining weight, I'm actually loosing...but the swelling in my back (all over) has added a nice 3 inches...3 inches!
I'm not excited for Golden Herald because I'm afraid of falling on stage even though I'll be wearing flats.
I didn't plan this into the 4th quarter of my senior year. I also didn't plan to spend the summer before I go off to college, learning how to walk again.
I don't hate your client, I don't wish that she would die, I don't plan on threatening her. Once all of my medical bills are taken care of, no money that you can try and give me would fix anything.
I want my life back. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to feel like I have at least a little bit of control again. I want to not pass out or fall at graduation. Can you give me that?
I don't think so.
The only thing you can do for me is maybe tell your client how I'm doing. Maybe, let her know what I'm going though. Remind the sophomore that this is my senior year.
If her totaled Pontiac isn't a sign that she should stop texting while she drives, maybe letting her know how everyone else is doing could be. But you can't of course...that's illegal.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Flaw.
I've come to really realize that one of my biggest flaws is that I just don't shut up and listen sometimes.
Yes, of course, that affects my life and often my ability to do things correctly, find places, or figure things out. Lately though, I can't get over the fact that it's incredibly rude of me. It's one thing when someone is trying to help me figure something out that would ultimately help me, but when they're trying to explain something about themselves...I stop them, mid thought, jumping to a conclusion and not letting them finish. Holy crap. I'm a bitch.
Yes, sometimes he or she is telling me what their favorite starbucks drink is and why, but more often than that, it's something really significant. Like why they're passionate about something, or what they want to study, or they're explaining a tattoo, or a poem, or song and I just cut them off. 98% of the time I'm wrong and have just ruined the moment.
Who am I to assume that everyones reasoning or feelings are simple and can be guessed?
Not everyone can explain personal things to others and how terrible is it that once someone starts, I take away that moment from them.
Wow.
A certain situation has been bothering me for weeks. Ok, probably over a month actually. I can't get over how rude I was. I didn't mean to be rude but of course, how often are we actually intentionally rude? They seemed to not really mind that I was constantly guessing and assuming that I knew what they were getting to. I can't believe that they weren't a little annoyed though.
It happened again the other night.
This has got to stop.
I need to listen to people. Hear what they say. Care about the message that they are trying to get across and not what I want to think that they are telling me.
So maybe I didn't learn this today. I've known for the while. I just finally realized how big of a problem it is/could become.
I'm unbelievably sorry if I've ever done this to you. I'd apologize to those I know of, but in case you've either forgotten or never really cared, I don't want to bring it up again.
Yes, of course, that affects my life and often my ability to do things correctly, find places, or figure things out. Lately though, I can't get over the fact that it's incredibly rude of me. It's one thing when someone is trying to help me figure something out that would ultimately help me, but when they're trying to explain something about themselves...I stop them, mid thought, jumping to a conclusion and not letting them finish. Holy crap. I'm a bitch.
Yes, sometimes he or she is telling me what their favorite starbucks drink is and why, but more often than that, it's something really significant. Like why they're passionate about something, or what they want to study, or they're explaining a tattoo, or a poem, or song and I just cut them off. 98% of the time I'm wrong and have just ruined the moment.
Who am I to assume that everyones reasoning or feelings are simple and can be guessed?
Not everyone can explain personal things to others and how terrible is it that once someone starts, I take away that moment from them.
Wow.
A certain situation has been bothering me for weeks. Ok, probably over a month actually. I can't get over how rude I was. I didn't mean to be rude but of course, how often are we actually intentionally rude? They seemed to not really mind that I was constantly guessing and assuming that I knew what they were getting to. I can't believe that they weren't a little annoyed though.
It happened again the other night.
This has got to stop.
I need to listen to people. Hear what they say. Care about the message that they are trying to get across and not what I want to think that they are telling me.
So maybe I didn't learn this today. I've known for the while. I just finally realized how big of a problem it is/could become.
I'm unbelievably sorry if I've ever done this to you. I'd apologize to those I know of, but in case you've either forgotten or never really cared, I don't want to bring it up again.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
RIT dye
Today I learned that the liquid RIT dye concentrate is so much better than the RIT granules. Yes, the liquid is more expensive, but it colors much better and actually goes further...much further. My friend Jessica and I figured this out tonight as we were testing some tie dye ideas for our Relay for Life team shirts. We will definitely be using the liquid concentrate from now on.
Yes, I know this seems unimportant but with the number of shirts we will be making by April 30th, this discovery will be very useful!
Yes, I know this seems unimportant but with the number of shirts we will be making by April 30th, this discovery will be very useful!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
63 percent...
Did you know that 63% of students in Manatee county receive free or reduced lunch? 63%. Wow. I knew the percentage was over 50 because I had researched earlier this year as I've A) been curious and B) included the information in my Golden Herald application because I felt it important to explain why what "Backpack Club Inc." does is so important. But 63%. 63 percent. I know, many of you are probably unimpressed because you think we live in a worthless hell hole and yes, it is Florida, where the economy crashed first and the hardest, but seriously. There are worse places, this is far from a hell hole. I understand that not all of those eligible to receive free and reduced lunch are living these horrifying, devastating, cardboard box lives but still, the majority of students in our county live in homes where the household's income in below the point at which the state feels is enough to provide lunch and breakfast for the children in the family. In all reality, the state's not all that generous.
Like I said before, not all of these students are in serious situations are but are a few who only eat when they're at school. There are kids who don't eat between noon and 7:30 the next morning. Kids who don't eat on Saturdays and Sundays. Their malnourished which caused their immune systems to not be as strong, causing them to be sick more often, causing them to miss more school. When little kids get sick, their parents don't go to work...and that's if they have a job. It's an aweful chain and cycle.
Like I said before, not all of these students are in serious situations are but are a few who only eat when they're at school. There are kids who don't eat between noon and 7:30 the next morning. Kids who don't eat on Saturdays and Sundays. Their malnourished which caused their immune systems to not be as strong, causing them to be sick more often, causing them to miss more school. When little kids get sick, their parents don't go to work...and that's if they have a job. It's an aweful chain and cycle.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Women of Distinction and Queso
I will honestly tell you that I learned more than I could have imagined today. I simply love being around adults with values and characteristics I admire. For the most part, today was wonderful. It was amazing to see someone who in the past year or so I've come to love like an older sister be honored for the work that she has done throughout her life for her community and her passion to make everyone's life happier, easier, and better. I've been inspired by her. To see all of the women being honored today, to know that I'm not crazy for being passionate about helping others, and too see what amazing things they have done...I can't explain how it makes me feel. I think it may have been reassurance that all of my time and energy that other people have told me I've been "wasting" really is not a waste. While honoring was of course the theme of the day, learning was yet again the theme of mine. Unfortunately, I couldn't pick out just one thing I learned. They're all so important and while I wish I could, I can't type all night. So, I think the lesson I'll report on today will have to be a funny, seemingly unimportant one.
Here goes. I learned today that I should really just stop eating queso with my chips on taco Tuesday. I never fail to make a mess. I always to a lovely job eating when I have silverware or any sort of "civilized" food but chips and queso, that's a whole different hell. I went almost all day without embarrassing myself...and then the queso. Only I can master the art of routinely dripping queso on my collar bone. Go. Me.
Here goes. I learned today that I should really just stop eating queso with my chips on taco Tuesday. I never fail to make a mess. I always to a lovely job eating when I have silverware or any sort of "civilized" food but chips and queso, that's a whole different hell. I went almost all day without embarrassing myself...and then the queso. Only I can master the art of routinely dripping queso on my collar bone. Go. Me.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Learning
I'm constantly claiming that I love to learn and that I enjoy nothing more than learning. That I love to take every opportunity and experience in life as one of learning. I know I'm always learning but I couldn't always tell you exactly what I was learning. Therefore, from now on I'm promising myself that I will learn and retain at least one thing every day and report it here on my blog. Hopefully, the few random people that actually read my blog will learn something too. So here's the first entry.
P.S. Some days I will report on new knowledge of real value and others I may explain something dumb and absurd that only I or my friends really need to know. Just a warning there.
Today, I learned that Emily Dickinson wasn't simply a sad, mopey person. Yes, she was rather introverted and reclusive but she had a warm, loving family and was madly in love with someone for the greater part of her life. Actually, those who knew her well claimed that she was quite eccentric.
We often try to hard to dissect her poems and find a meaning in them that is beyond just what is presented but the thing that actually makes he quite charming is the fact that not all of her poems had a deeper meaning. Yes, I am telling you that she was really just talking about snakes. It wasn't an extended metaphor. Just snakes. The beauty is in how she describes not in some hidden meaning.
P.S. Some days I will report on new knowledge of real value and others I may explain something dumb and absurd that only I or my friends really need to know. Just a warning there.
Today, I learned that Emily Dickinson wasn't simply a sad, mopey person. Yes, she was rather introverted and reclusive but she had a warm, loving family and was madly in love with someone for the greater part of her life. Actually, those who knew her well claimed that she was quite eccentric.
We often try to hard to dissect her poems and find a meaning in them that is beyond just what is presented but the thing that actually makes he quite charming is the fact that not all of her poems had a deeper meaning. Yes, I am telling you that she was really just talking about snakes. It wasn't an extended metaphor. Just snakes. The beauty is in how she describes not in some hidden meaning.
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